I’m Beginning to Like the Post Office.
March 28, 2009 at 10:42 AM | Posted in Salt of the Earth | Leave a commentI’m not sure if it’s because the lines are so long and boring that I’m forced to notice interesting things at the Post Office or if interesting things just happen there. Once, I saw a ceiling tile fall on a gentleman also waiting in the long and boring line. Once, I saw my godmother’s walk. Today, I saw chivalry.
An older gentleman was letting all the women in line go in front of him. I’m not sure how long he was there, but I do know that he saved at least five ladies a little time today. And he made us feel good about doing it with a crinkly old smile and gracious manner.
And you just don’t see that everyday.
The Overstickerization of America and Why I Have Eaten All the Ice Cream
March 23, 2009 at 8:50 PM | Posted in Adventures in S-Land | Leave a commentI hate stickery things: price tags, bar codes, company logos, and especially those evil white things that seal CD cases. I hate them all. I hate splintering my fingernails against the stuck on paper, and I hate the spackle-like residue that is left behind and attracts dust and skin cells to make a grayish shadow that just gets bigger the more you scrub. That’s right, CLEANING MAKES IT WORSE. How can cleaning make anything worse?!? This would make my head explode, but I don’t like the kitchen walls to get messy, so I’m holding my skull together through sheer force of will. Obviously, that’s why I can’t keep from eating the entire carton of ice cream–all my self-control molecules are WAY too busy holding my brain in.
Tonight, I bought some apples at the store. No exaggeration, I promise, each of those little fruities had THREE stickers on it. Since when is produce considered advertising space? I’m not interested in buying a bunch of little billboards–I just want whatever vitamins you get in an apple. I also want each apple to hold a gift certificate for a really good pedicure or an iTunes gift card. Seriously, wouldn’t that be cool?
I’m going to have to think of some way to respond to the overstickerization of my groceries. Let’s see, I could line a whole bunch of them up and make tape! Yes, that’s it! I will wrap gifts and fix tears with produce stickers! This idea will totally catch on. Yet another trend started by me. Man, I’m not sure why no one is paying me big sums of money, or maybe pedicure gift certificates and iTunes gift cards, for my hip innovations.
You guys could at least bring me more Cookies n’ Cream. I like Dreyer’s. Please peel the price sticker off first.
The Black Thing
March 11, 2009 at 9:50 AM | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 CommentsTags: The Black Thing
I need to decide what to do with The Black Thing. Purchasing The Black Thing was a decision based on the fact that I teach in a school located in an area called the Hillside which, reasonably, has lots of hills and not great road maintenance. I live in Alaska. It snows a lot. Also, I am a chicken wuss when it comes to ice and snow on roads despite the fact that I have driven icy and snowy roads the entire thirteen years that I’ve been driving. The Black Thing was a sensible purchase. It became a vital purchase when I decided to become the lady on the hill, living in a house reached only by a 45 degree angle driveway of pure evil in March when ice glazes the angle and creates the Ramp of Death.
But, gas prices are making it tough to own The Black Thing. So, I need to sell it or become a genius energy engineer who invents a fuel compatible with the combustion engine used to a steady diet of gasoline. I’m thinking that there is plenty of worthless stuff lying around that could be alchemy gasoline fodder. Like brussel sprouts! I know one person who likes brussel sprouts, and I’m sure he’d like to make a sacrifice for my financial happiness seeing as how he is my younger brother and lives to see me smile (actually, he lives to accumulate random possessions which he then squirrels away in my basement, thereby cutting into my square footage). Brussel sprouts stink, which means that they obviously have some chemicals in common with gasoline which also stinks. I’m pretty sure this is going to work.
In case it doesn’t though, my back-up plan is to become a kazillionaire and not care about the cost of things. I will be one of those cool, benevolent kazillionaires who renovates old playgrounds for communities and builds senior centers with lots of windows and well-paid staff members who are always nice to the old ladies and gentlemen. And I will still get to drive The Black Thing. Which I own. Every bolt.
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