When Moose Fly
April 20, 2010 at 11:32 PM | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 CommentInto the life of every Alaskan, a large moose must fall. Maybe just into my life. On Friday, I was minding my own business, driving to work with plenty of time to get there, not listening to anything wretched on the radio, not talking on the phone or texting, and not eating a doughnut. And not applying mascara either. But I got hit by a moose anyway. Get this: the moose jumped a guardrail and landed on The Black Thing and me. I’m not kidding.
I find this inconvenient.
However, I find myself still alive without any smashed up pieces and my car is driveable. And, the body shop guy told me that I’m fortunate that the moose didn’t break windows and land in my car since they get gastronomically upset when that happens and because there is a lot of flying glass associated with that event. No moosearrhea and no raining glass. Counting my blessings, I am.
Also very glad that moose damage is considered a comprehensive claim. Yay for the continued reign of my accident-free discount. Yay for insurance.
And yay for the new excuse to eat doughnuts. It only goes to figure that if I got hit by a flying moose while not eating a doughnut, then eating a doughnut should prevent aforementioned moose collisions, right? Another doughnut power! The world just got a little brighter even if my car is a little wrinkly.
Okay, a lot wrinkly. This might call for two doughnuts.
At the moment, I’m pretty into toxins.
April 2, 2010 at 7:11 PM | Posted in Adventures in S-Land, And then I thought... | Leave a commentAs in, I’m thinking about toxins a lot. I haven’t slid into the paranoid-watching-for-the-black-helicopters-to-show-up mode, but I’m becoming skeptical about lots of things I’ve always been told were safe. In an attempt to work these things out while avoiding the cost of therapy, I’m going to subject you, Dear Internet People, to the latest crazies I’ve developed.
1. Tupperware.
This one hurts me because I like Tupperware. I like it a lot. My mother uses the word, “obsession.” Here, I’ll show you:
Tupperware in the fridge!
Tupperware in the baking cupboard!
I just like things to be organized and airtight. Is that so wrong? However, the current BPA scare has me not scared, exactly, but sort of concerned. Enough so that I’ve stopped reheating in Tupperware which is totally obsoletesizing all those Rock n’ Serve containers that I scratched and clawed my way through various garage sales and eBay auctions to acquire. I don’t want to jump on the Chicken-Little-the-sky-is-falling frenzy against BPA, but really, that plastic smell in Tupperware that’s been closed up for a while is making me nervous.
2. The Microwave.
Okay, it’s not that I believe the microwave is secretly cooking me by degrees whenever I throw in a bag of popcorn, but what exactly is going on in there? I mostly get the science behind it which makes me wonder, is manipulating food at the molecular level a good plan? Am I creating zombie popcorn molecules that are doing strange and unwholesome things to my molecules? Because I like my molecules the way they are, thank you very much, Mr. Scary Micro Wave. And I saw that movie where the microwave came alive and attacked an innocent kid in his own kitchen. I realize that Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen isn’t exactly a documentary, but still…
You thought it was just a toaster...
3. Nitrites.
I like bacon. Bacon likes me! We are good friends. But nitrites, the chemical things that turn bacon red, might not be my friends. Apparently, the USDA tried to ban sodium nitrite in the 1970s because it’s bad stuff. However, yay for the organic movement! I’m switching to nitrite-free bacon and going to start using just salt for corning moose. Bye, nitrites! Bye (I hope) cancer!
Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum
I’ll let everyone know when I’ve invited new bats into my belfry. I think I’ve given you plenty to work with for now.
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