Crawlyphobia

June 16, 2009 at 11:08 PM | Posted in Adventures in S-Land | Leave a comment
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The summer of crawly things continues. 

Carpenter ants!  Carpenter ants colonizing my flowerbed and thinking of putting up a cineplex in my house walls.  It’s great.

The ants have been living in railroad ties that the builders of my house thought would be a great idea to bury in the ground for me to dig up today.  If I had any thoughts of committing crimes (which I didn’t/don’t, Mom), they’re definitely gone now because what if I ended up in a prison with workcrews?  This could be my life. 

However,  there are several bright spots in all this.  One, I haven’t found ants near or in my house.  This is a miracle blessing straight from God for which I am most grateful.  Two, the ants aren’t Pharoah ants which, in all my reading about ants (because I approach all problems the nerdy library way), sound like a plague out of ancient Egypt that should get its own series of horror movies.  Three, I am getting totally ripped arms from all this digging.  Body by carpenter ants.

You may hear some hysterical screeching from the North.

May 23, 2009 at 12:10 AM | Posted in Adventures in S-Land | Leave a comment
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Tomorrow, I am releasing 1500 ladybugs into my garden. 

I love ladybugs journeying picturesquely on a leaf.  I appreciate that they eat aphids and plant mites and other icky things.  I know it is good to avoid using pesticides when possible.  I’m down with all of that.  The problem here is that I can’t figure out how I am going to open a container that is craaaaawling with ladybugs which are, after all, BUGS. 

I’m not so good with bugs.

I have this horrific vision of opening the ladybug jail and having all the ladybugs come out in search of a hug for their emancipator.  Like, I’ll be standing there, frozen, covered in red beetles.  This is the making of a horror movie. 

The best plan of action here seems to be to open the ladybug jail, and then run in the opposite direction.  Maybe I’ll take a leaf from the book of bank robbing and have the car running with the door ajar.  Ladybugs can’t catch The Black Thing, can they? 

This is where you all call me a chicken wuss and I pretend not to hear you.

Spider! Spider! In my leg!

May 18, 2009 at 5:40 PM | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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I had this horrific dream about a huge orange spider burying itself in my thigh.  The only  reason I knew it was there was that I could see its white legs sticking out of my skin, and in Dreamland, the only thing to do about thick white spider legs sticking out of your thigh is to squeeze until it comes flying out.  Apparently, there is not vomit in Dreamland because that is the only reasonable response that my molecules would have to squeezing a spider out of my leg.

See, I live  in Alaska.  On purpose.  We don’t have big insecty, spidery (yes, I know, they are two different species-thingies or whatever) things here.  That’s one reason WHY I live here.  Those Hawaii-size cockroaches turn the island paradise into the abyss of terror for me.  I’m sort of irrational about crawly things with lots of legs. 

According to Google, my spider dream is a good thing.  It foretells impending fortune, and says that I am powerful and creative. 

According to me, it was one freaky nightmare.  Especially since my dream thighs were really flabby.  This had better not be a dream of prophecy.

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